Mmm Mmm

So, I've moved. I moved in with my church leader two or three days ago. I woke up at four in the afternoon Wednesday, and had everything moved out of my apartment by six. I consider that very impressive.

I no longer have a closet, nor enough room to put all my stuff, but it's okay. I'll be moving again in a few months, so it's not like it's permanent. But, while I'm here, I'm enjoying it.

Thursday, I went and saw a head shrink again. Or, kind of at least. I was supposed to see him at three fifteen, but it wasn't till three thirty that I saw anyone. But even then, it wasn't the man, it was a condescending nurse. She talked, heard my history, and then finally I saw the shrink. He came in for five minutes while she just repeated back my story to him, then he prescribed me some pills, and sent me off. So, I'm now medicated on anti-depressants, and have another appointment next Friday.

Umm, I would type more, but I'm tired. I'll just end with the fact that I have shaved my legs (I dressed in drag yesterday), and today went to a b-day party of a friend. So, I've had a fun two days recently.

First day

So, I've had two days of classes now. Yesterday was my first day of Macro Economics, which I'm looking forward to. The teacher said that we would all have to get a subscription to the Wall Street Journal though. Not that I'm opposed to that though, mind you, because I've been looking for an excuse to get one for a while after all. The class was interesting, with a lot of talking and debate. One student in particular lead a bit of the discussion, and I was kinda sad that I wasn't able to put in my two cents before we moved on, but that's okay. The class seems as though it will continue to be very discussion oriented, and that's what I crave.

Today was my first day of Intro to Theatre. I had to buy 130 dollars of books for it, but that's okay. The professor seems to have the "only class" syndrome though. You know, when they believe that they are the only class that is important, and give you hours and hours and hours of work to do outside of the class. Most of it seems okay, but gosh, it sure is a lot of papers for a introductory class. The worst part is that I have to have my topic chosen for my research paper chosen by next class, chosen off a list of names of directors and actors that I have no clue who they are. So, that's going to be interesting. The best part about the class though is that it is forcing me to go to four plays. I'm a fan of plays, so that's not a bad time, I just never go. But now, I have no excuse not to, and I can even set them up as dates with the ladies. So, do any of you lady-ish folks want to go to a play with me?

Tomorrow marks my first training shift for overnight. I have to be at work at ten (after getting out of class at nine fourty-five) and I will work till three in the morning. So, it's not a full overnight yet, but it will come. Yesterday marked my last day of service though, because I even convinced my manager to put me on shakes today.

Long long time

So. I haven't posted in half a year. I guess I will now.

It's time to start a new chapter in my life. I've changed some goals, changed my name, changed a lot about who I am, and so it's time to start fresh.

Now, don't everyone act shocked, because I'm sure that almost everyone knows it now, but I was planning suicide again recently. The past weekend, I had made a plan, and knew what I had to do. But, some people found out and made me realize that as messed up as I am, God does have a reason for having me here still. Otherwise, I would be gone. So I've made some changes, and will work out my life now.

I'm not at UTD right now. I plan on coming back though. I lost my scholarship, and would have to pay for it on my own, so right now I am taking some business classes at CCCC.

I hope to quit my job at Steak N' Shake. I recognize the fact that I am being really mean to them right now, and I just want to stop. I don't like being a server there, but they wanted to make me a service trainer. After they'd already gone through the process of starting me to be one, I tell them no, and that I want to do production. So, now I'm going to be doing third shift production (cooking), but I really don't want to do that either. Glynn and I have been talking about getting me a job in the sales business, so I am going to look into that.

I had a girlfriend over November. It was interesting. Turned out okay, although I broke up with her in mid-December. Yeah. Now though, I have a few girls that I wouldn't mind taking on a few friendly dates.

I'm going to try to post everyday. I feel as though posting keeps the depression away. So, yeah. I'll post tomorrow then!

I want some answers

I have been wondering this for a while. But never gotten an answer. I want one. So give it to me. Is masochism a bad thing?

When I go to the movies with people, and someone is on screen cutting, or burning, or hurting themselves in some form of fashion, I can feel the disgust radiating from the people with me. I know that people look down on these sorts of things; but I just kind of see it as normal.

There are a lot of times that I just want to burn. I don't cut, because I don't like blood. But I do burn, and I have scars from where I burned more often in the past. It's not like I get some sick pleasure from it. I don't really see it as sick at all. I just... Sometimes I do. For a few reasons. My life sucks, and I hate thinking about it. Burning is my way of saying if my life sucks, and I'm gonna feel pain, then I am gonna be the one causing the pain. It takes my mind of the other crap, and puts the pain in my control. In addition, sometimes I just feel like I need to be burned. Obviously if my life is this bad, if my luck is this crap, then there is a reason, and I need to be punished. Now, I'm sure that sounds bad, but it's what I do. At SnS a few times, there were occasions when I would mess up. And numerous times where I felt bad about doing something. So, I would respond to the mess up by burning at work. Taking hold of a hot tray/plate/food on purpose, and taking my sweet time for the burn to subside as I walked it to a table. So often recently, I've been thinking of branding myself. I won't, because I realize that people would look down upon me. But I still think it.

So, please tell me. If you think I'm weird, or wrong, or crazy, then tell me. But don't stop there. Tell me why. Where do you get the idea that it's wrong, and where did I miss the path and think that it is okay? I really want to know.

Ever

I think I have the worst luck, of anyone I know. I mean, I may not, and I may be exaggerating. But I really think it's true. I have felt like so much crap for the past forever. There are periods in which I am decently happy, because let's face it, shit happens, but so does good stuff. But gosh, I sure get a lot of the crap.

In the past week:

1. I have realized that none of the girls that I have the slightest fancy on have any feelings towards me being anything other than a friend. That's okay, but still kind of sad. I'll just get over that, like I have been; it isn't the worst.
2. I am still in financial trouble. No new news, but gosh, it's getting kind of old. I really just want to get out of this pit of negative money that I am in.
3. It doesn't help that I lost my scholarship too. I'm still trying, but I really don't expect much. My mentor has high hopes, but I just don't really see anything changing. If it does, then it is because God grasps the heart of the woman in charge and makes her give it back.
4. I got in a wreck today. I was at a red light, it turned green, I went, and a woman charged though (her) red light, right into my door. My door is trash, and we couldn't get the car started, but I don't think there is too much engine trouble. Jasmine looks like crap, but I think that she will make it out of the body shop just fine.
5. I just feel so drained and so blah recently.

So, things are going great. I got my new job, and will be officially trained and on the floor by myself Thursday. That's my good news.