I want some answers

I have been wondering this for a while. But never gotten an answer. I want one. So give it to me. Is masochism a bad thing?

When I go to the movies with people, and someone is on screen cutting, or burning, or hurting themselves in some form of fashion, I can feel the disgust radiating from the people with me. I know that people look down on these sorts of things; but I just kind of see it as normal.

There are a lot of times that I just want to burn. I don't cut, because I don't like blood. But I do burn, and I have scars from where I burned more often in the past. It's not like I get some sick pleasure from it. I don't really see it as sick at all. I just... Sometimes I do. For a few reasons. My life sucks, and I hate thinking about it. Burning is my way of saying if my life sucks, and I'm gonna feel pain, then I am gonna be the one causing the pain. It takes my mind of the other crap, and puts the pain in my control. In addition, sometimes I just feel like I need to be burned. Obviously if my life is this bad, if my luck is this crap, then there is a reason, and I need to be punished. Now, I'm sure that sounds bad, but it's what I do. At SnS a few times, there were occasions when I would mess up. And numerous times where I felt bad about doing something. So, I would respond to the mess up by burning at work. Taking hold of a hot tray/plate/food on purpose, and taking my sweet time for the burn to subside as I walked it to a table. So often recently, I've been thinking of branding myself. I won't, because I realize that people would look down upon me. But I still think it.

So, please tell me. If you think I'm weird, or wrong, or crazy, then tell me. But don't stop there. Tell me why. Where do you get the idea that it's wrong, and where did I miss the path and think that it is okay? I really want to know.

Ever

I think I have the worst luck, of anyone I know. I mean, I may not, and I may be exaggerating. But I really think it's true. I have felt like so much crap for the past forever. There are periods in which I am decently happy, because let's face it, shit happens, but so does good stuff. But gosh, I sure get a lot of the crap.

In the past week:

1. I have realized that none of the girls that I have the slightest fancy on have any feelings towards me being anything other than a friend. That's okay, but still kind of sad. I'll just get over that, like I have been; it isn't the worst.
2. I am still in financial trouble. No new news, but gosh, it's getting kind of old. I really just want to get out of this pit of negative money that I am in.
3. It doesn't help that I lost my scholarship too. I'm still trying, but I really don't expect much. My mentor has high hopes, but I just don't really see anything changing. If it does, then it is because God grasps the heart of the woman in charge and makes her give it back.
4. I got in a wreck today. I was at a red light, it turned green, I went, and a woman charged though (her) red light, right into my door. My door is trash, and we couldn't get the car started, but I don't think there is too much engine trouble. Jasmine looks like crap, but I think that she will make it out of the body shop just fine.
5. I just feel so drained and so blah recently.

So, things are going great. I got my new job, and will be officially trained and on the floor by myself Thursday. That's my good news.

Look at Sarah!

Testing uploading pictures... 

Mr. Brightside

So, now that I am done with the continuation of Lostness, it's time for a more recent post.

Ida will be coming down on Monday. And she may be bringing Thomas and Darryl. I hope so. I didn't get them suveniours (I hate spelling weird words) from Washington though, only Ida, so I hope they won't mind. But still, it will be nice to see Darryl and Ida again, I haven't seen them in a while.

I'm really looking forward to working at Love and War in Texas. One of my managers at SnS said that the management there sucks, and that I will be coming back to SnS asking for a job again after a while. I don't know if that's true or not though, so whatever.

I will miss some of the people at SnS though. A lot of the hispanic ladies in back I got to be friends with, and then two of the managers I enjoyed slacking off and talking to. A few of the servers were pretty cool, and easy to talk with. A new guy Chris, and then a girl named Christina. And of course Sarah (S), but I will still see her.

Speaking of Sarah, when ever a Sarah responds to a post, could I get you to put an initial too? It is kind of hard for me to tell who is who just by the context of your comment. Thanks.

More speaking of Sarah, it turns out that she does like me, and is just doing the dating as friends thing. That makes me so happy, since that is what I want to do anyways. So, at some point, we will be going to putt-putt. I just have to do the man's job now, and pick a time. *grins*

The new Pirates movie comes out soon. And I plan on going to see it. So, if you want to see it with me, just comment, and I will try to get a time so that as many people can come as possible.

My brain is empty, and ready for bed. G'night.

Lostness Part Two

I'm not sure if this will work, but I am going to try to continue yesterday's post here.

(A short recap (as in the last few sentances before I was interupted))…

So I got nicely connected back in with my Arlington peeps last night. I skipped out of work after an hour, because they had to many people, and decided to go back to Arlington for the night. I had been trying to get together with Thomas for a few weeks, and just got so impatient that I decided to just go there. I got to see…

(And now the continuation.)

all of my sisters, most of my parents, Thomas, Sarah (B), and all the homies from my old church. So, here is the whole trip in detail.

First, after arriving I went to go see my sisters, one mother, and Dad. So, I knocked on the door, walked inside, and notified them that there was some strange guy knocking on their door. After saying that, I continued with the idea that they should chase him off, since they don't know anyone who looks like that. After which, I promptly ran away, because I knew that they were beginning to recognize me. And so I ran, and was chased down and hugged by many many women. Some liked my hair, some didn't. But none of them mentioned the fact that I don't have contacts anymore. That was all fun, and they were all very surprised to see my looking so different. Mom liked it though, so it's all okay.

Then I went to church, and was gonna pull the same stunt and say that they should chase off the weird looking visitor, but they recognized me instantly, so I didn't get the chance. They all really liked it though, and were happy to see me. Gosh, it had been so long since I had seen them, it was nice to see them again.

Sarah and Scotty were there, and so I invited them to come and hang with us after church. They came for a little while, but Sarah has an early curfew, so they left very quickly. On the topic of them though, I think Scotty isn't quite easy around me though. He seemed to be very… aware. He probably thinks that I still want Sarah. Poor guy. Although I was jealus of her too, when I dated her. So I guess I can't blame him. But still, he wouldn't even let me take photos of my car with Sarah in them. So I had to get my sister to do the photos for me (More on that later).

But they left, and then I hung with Thomas and my sisters for the rest of the night, until about eight in the morning. Then went out to take Mia (I think that's her name) to the bank. And while at the bank, we noticed that a new gas station was having it's opening day across the road, and selling gas at $2.59 a gallon. So, of course, I filled up. Oh gosh, it was so nice to find gas at that price. What random luck.

(For a completly random interlude:)
I recently downloaded a new media player called amoraK, and oh my gosh, I am loving it. Only problems I have encountered so far are: it is KDE based, while I prefer Gnome, and it won't play my m4a tracks. But, I think it's good enough I may keep using it.

(Back to the main topic:)
And then, I came back. I was so tired on the way back, that I really needed some sunglasses. The sun was so bright, and I was so tired, I just wanted to close my eyes while I drove. I didn't, but the stupid sun sure made me want to. I think some shades would have helped, so now I want some.

I don't remember much of what else I was gonna post in Lostness Part One, so that's it for now. Just one more thing for this Lostness part.

I am gonna stop doing casts. I mean, it's fun occassionally, but having to think up something to say each time is just tiring. So no more. Sorry.

Tchou.